I Didn’t Feel Fat…

omg

I didn’t feel fat
Until I saw the number
Blinking back at me

Nothing has changed
Since yesterday, except
Maybe a pound, two, or five?

Deep breaths
In through the nose
Out through the mouth

You are healthy
You are beautiful
There is nothing wrong with you

I need to believe this

Still…

Numbers don’t lie
I am fat…

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Conflicted and Torn

Fuck this inconsistent turmoil inside me
I’m so conflicted
I can’t think straight
I am being torn at the seams

I want to run and hide
But being responsible is pulling me out
“Be strong and it will ease the pain”, they say
I want to believe

“It’s not working!”, I cry in anguish

“Make it work”
“Be realistic”
“I know you can do this”
A promising distant hum chants

Being reasonable feels so wrong and unkind
However being selfless is driving me insane
I wonder if peace I will ever find
While not causing my loved ones and myself more pain